goodbye...

men. not that i know anything about them, what they are thinking, or anything like that. but i try, nonetheless. i will admit it, and am not afraid to. i love men! i do. i love the way they look, the way they act! and at the end of the day, would still rather smell their cologne than whatever sweet scent i may be wearing. i love when they make me laugh, and i even love when they make me cry. i am in no way a victim... i give freely with my heart, and it's openness has allowed me to fall hard. there is an intense sadness that comes over me when it's time to say goodbye, and that love is receding on the horizon. goodbyes have always been hard for me, and when it comes down to it, i just need to learn how to say, "see ya later..."

i believe i suffer from separation anxiety. a friend came to visit me this weekend from back home, and the time spent together was indeed wonderful. this friendship has certainly been put through the wringer, with plenty help of my own. this friendship, once innocent and so intense, also involved a period of separation. and it was one of the longest periods of sadness in my life. this feud was the sole reason for my quest for change, and my journey to indianapolis. after having some time apart and returning back home, i was allowed to make the proper amends for my part in the argument, and set out to make sure i was again the best friend i could be to him. but there is one small secret, that i am afraid i will never tell him... i think i am in love with him.

i have never met anyone quite like this kid, and i will tell you that there is an overwhelming drive to forever come to his defense, and go to bat for him. i feel pain when he suffers, i feel joy when he smiles, and i am comfortable in his presence. when he picked me up yesterday morning, it was like old times, team time... it was on! and the laughter was so good, and the times were so happy. it was the way it had always been. there were no awkward moments, reminding us of what had happened between us, there was great music to add to the soundtrack of our friendship, and after time spent together, i knew what was coming; his road trip back home without me.

while i made my decision, and i packed my bags to move here, something inside of me wanted to jump in his car and extend our visit together. within minutes, he was gathering his belongings, putting on his khaki ll bean back pack, and coming towards me to say goodbye. i made a commitment to myself that i would NOT let him see me cry this time. every time we part, i cry. and he has to reassure me we will see each other again soon. i didn't want to let go. i wanted to hold him close to me forever. i wanted to be the first to pull away, but something held us together longer than i thought we would. i told him to keep his head up, and to drive safely. as he turned to leave, i had to turn my head away because the water works were turning on! as the door shut, my heart dropped. breathing became difficult, and there was that feeling again. the feeling when part of your heart stops working. the part of your heart that isn't gone, but still inside of you, close to death; losing its beat and fighting for breath. that is me when i leave him. that is what happens when i say goodbye. tears fall for a while, and i pray that he makes it home safely. now here i am, without his scent, without his laugh, and i am saddened. i know we will see each other again soon, and i know my life is better away. but i will forever love him.

did i mention this love is unrequited?

pros in different area codes...

while there is much to be discussed since my last few entries, i will give the rundown in a general way so i can go ahead and get to the good stuff... because there are TWO people that actually read this thing, (and i don't even know how often) i guess i am writing all of this for myself; so i can keep an actual track of what has been going on... i have been kidnapped... i fell in love with indianapolis and the people here, and i willingly left with hannah and tyler... they came and got me and i have been in indy ever since. i miss some people in louisville, but for the most part, i am satisfied knowing that it is only a two hour drive back home, and it won't be too difficult to get back there, if i want to see anyone. for right now, call me content... content in my surroundings, maybe... maybe not... but ok without having to worry about pleasing one person in particular.

i cannot even begin to tell you what is so GD special about this individual... i mean, he is a child for crying out loud, and i haven't even known him very long. knowing that i would do anything in the world for him, only for him to talk shit about me behind my back to the new queen bee... makes me wonder about my own sanity... just saying!

so yeah, indianapolis... what can i say... the people here are fantastic... i feel support from the people around me... needless to say, being the new girl in town, there is always room for people to want to know your dish, and for people to ask questions and speculate. but what is even greater is when you realize that for once, you are small potatoes compared to the regulars at these clam bakes.

i went camping this past weekend, completely full of fear that people were going to ask questions about my situation. and believe me... they did... but instead of being the main event, there were other people there, going through their own shit... it reminded me of a lion's den... whoever was going to open up that trap door was not going to get out alive. and i left that opportunity for the people who had been around these parts for a while. the ones who could defend themselves amongst each other better. not this little southern belle who didn't know hardly anyone, and was scared to even utter my address... being among people who had their own laundry aired out in front of everyone else, their wounds exposed, their secrets cast out among the crowd... the vulnerable and the wicked... it made me grateful to know that this shit goes on everywhere... not just in the 502...

boy...

boy, i tell ya... i keep trying to let men like you go... i keep trying to surrender that pain... and that heartache... i keep trying to make men like you stay away... and i remember those words my mother always said; "we don't TELL people how to treat us; we SHOW them how to treat us... boy, i keep wishing we'd never met... like not knowing you would somehow make my days a little easier... calmer... you didn't try to do nothing by make my life worse... and boy, you succeeded... call me a victim... call me a martyr... call me what you will... but say it to my face this time... yeah, this time... this time it's gonna be different, boy... because i'm not letting the ones like you in... into my heart... you used to make it REAL hard to move on, boy... but all that's gone away... cuz i keep trying...