goodbye...

men. not that i know anything about them, what they are thinking, or anything like that. but i try, nonetheless. i will admit it, and am not afraid to. i love men! i do. i love the way they look, the way they act! and at the end of the day, would still rather smell their cologne than whatever sweet scent i may be wearing. i love when they make me laugh, and i even love when they make me cry. i am in no way a victim... i give freely with my heart, and it's openness has allowed me to fall hard. there is an intense sadness that comes over me when it's time to say goodbye, and that love is receding on the horizon. goodbyes have always been hard for me, and when it comes down to it, i just need to learn how to say, "see ya later..."

i believe i suffer from separation anxiety. a friend came to visit me this weekend from back home, and the time spent together was indeed wonderful. this friendship has certainly been put through the wringer, with plenty help of my own. this friendship, once innocent and so intense, also involved a period of separation. and it was one of the longest periods of sadness in my life. this feud was the sole reason for my quest for change, and my journey to indianapolis. after having some time apart and returning back home, i was allowed to make the proper amends for my part in the argument, and set out to make sure i was again the best friend i could be to him. but there is one small secret, that i am afraid i will never tell him... i think i am in love with him.

i have never met anyone quite like this kid, and i will tell you that there is an overwhelming drive to forever come to his defense, and go to bat for him. i feel pain when he suffers, i feel joy when he smiles, and i am comfortable in his presence. when he picked me up yesterday morning, it was like old times, team time... it was on! and the laughter was so good, and the times were so happy. it was the way it had always been. there were no awkward moments, reminding us of what had happened between us, there was great music to add to the soundtrack of our friendship, and after time spent together, i knew what was coming; his road trip back home without me.

while i made my decision, and i packed my bags to move here, something inside of me wanted to jump in his car and extend our visit together. within minutes, he was gathering his belongings, putting on his khaki ll bean back pack, and coming towards me to say goodbye. i made a commitment to myself that i would NOT let him see me cry this time. every time we part, i cry. and he has to reassure me we will see each other again soon. i didn't want to let go. i wanted to hold him close to me forever. i wanted to be the first to pull away, but something held us together longer than i thought we would. i told him to keep his head up, and to drive safely. as he turned to leave, i had to turn my head away because the water works were turning on! as the door shut, my heart dropped. breathing became difficult, and there was that feeling again. the feeling when part of your heart stops working. the part of your heart that isn't gone, but still inside of you, close to death; losing its beat and fighting for breath. that is me when i leave him. that is what happens when i say goodbye. tears fall for a while, and i pray that he makes it home safely. now here i am, without his scent, without his laugh, and i am saddened. i know we will see each other again soon, and i know my life is better away. but i will forever love him.

did i mention this love is unrequited?

pros in different area codes...

while there is much to be discussed since my last few entries, i will give the rundown in a general way so i can go ahead and get to the good stuff... because there are TWO people that actually read this thing, (and i don't even know how often) i guess i am writing all of this for myself; so i can keep an actual track of what has been going on... i have been kidnapped... i fell in love with indianapolis and the people here, and i willingly left with hannah and tyler... they came and got me and i have been in indy ever since. i miss some people in louisville, but for the most part, i am satisfied knowing that it is only a two hour drive back home, and it won't be too difficult to get back there, if i want to see anyone. for right now, call me content... content in my surroundings, maybe... maybe not... but ok without having to worry about pleasing one person in particular.

i cannot even begin to tell you what is so GD special about this individual... i mean, he is a child for crying out loud, and i haven't even known him very long. knowing that i would do anything in the world for him, only for him to talk shit about me behind my back to the new queen bee... makes me wonder about my own sanity... just saying!

so yeah, indianapolis... what can i say... the people here are fantastic... i feel support from the people around me... needless to say, being the new girl in town, there is always room for people to want to know your dish, and for people to ask questions and speculate. but what is even greater is when you realize that for once, you are small potatoes compared to the regulars at these clam bakes.

i went camping this past weekend, completely full of fear that people were going to ask questions about my situation. and believe me... they did... but instead of being the main event, there were other people there, going through their own shit... it reminded me of a lion's den... whoever was going to open up that trap door was not going to get out alive. and i left that opportunity for the people who had been around these parts for a while. the ones who could defend themselves amongst each other better. not this little southern belle who didn't know hardly anyone, and was scared to even utter my address... being among people who had their own laundry aired out in front of everyone else, their wounds exposed, their secrets cast out among the crowd... the vulnerable and the wicked... it made me grateful to know that this shit goes on everywhere... not just in the 502...

boy...

boy, i tell ya... i keep trying to let men like you go... i keep trying to surrender that pain... and that heartache... i keep trying to make men like you stay away... and i remember those words my mother always said; "we don't TELL people how to treat us; we SHOW them how to treat us... boy, i keep wishing we'd never met... like not knowing you would somehow make my days a little easier... calmer... you didn't try to do nothing by make my life worse... and boy, you succeeded... call me a victim... call me a martyr... call me what you will... but say it to my face this time... yeah, this time... this time it's gonna be different, boy... because i'm not letting the ones like you in... into my heart... you used to make it REAL hard to move on, boy... but all that's gone away... cuz i keep trying...

vices, validation and velveeta

well, let's see... aside from neglecting my obligations to the ONE follower of this blog, i can't really say that my life has been jam-packed with exciting and note-worthy events. however, i guess i can say that i could possibly rant and rave over the latest crush... what can i say, i am a glutton for punishment... i should first start off by telling you that i am catholic, and because i am constantly trying to find ways to serve god, i decided to follow through with lenten tradition, and sacrifice something, all in the name of the father, the son and the holy ghost... when i was a child, i used to "give up" things like chocolate, or soft drinks. or i would decide to "take on" something, such as volunteer work, or going to one extra mass a week. but alas, this year i decided to give up the one glitch in my make-up... the one vice that tends to block me from my creator the most... THE Y CHROMOSOME... yes, ladies and gentlemen... i had decided to give up contact with a certain individual for forty days and forty nights...

let me first tell you that this person is NOT the same interest from new years... hello, people... we are a quarter into this year... of COURSE it's a new face and a new name... i should also mention that the last situation, from new year's, ended VERY BADLY... i have since made amends for my rash behavior and unrealistic expectations, and needless to say i have developed the same attitude towards another individual... HENSE the decision to leave him alone, at least for lent...

i went to mass on ash wednesday, unsure what i was going to take on or give up, however had a very uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach as i kneeled before the alter, and looked upon an image of jesus. (i will NOT apologize if this offends anyone... i am proud of my catholic upbringing...) i wasn't sure of why i felt so restless and discontent, but knew that my relationship with a certain guy friend was about to change. the signs were all there... late night phone calls that would last forever, random text messages, the looks, then the stares... it was all becoming a little too familiar. and because i had just "laid the new year's situation to rest," i knew that this situation had the potential to get ugly. you see, my pattern is mere interest, turned infatuation, to blind lust where the person begins to have NO VISIBLE SIGNS OF IMPERFECTION... so because i knew the course this could take, i prayed to god for the strength to remove myself from a toxic relationship, and direct my attention to what he would want me to do. all good and well... FOR AN HOUR...

what seems to happen when i ask god to remove situations from me that are questionable, or damaging, is he gives me an even more difficult task... it's like he's saying, "remove yourself..." and then continues to place situations for growth in front of me... you see, what i've realized time and time again, is that god isn't going to remove anything from me without my cooperation. i can't expect him to make any situation better if i am not willing to take the necessary action. and what is lent? an opportunity to work diligently on a character defect, or personality trait for a considerable amount of time...

you are probably guessing what happened... instead of removing the situation from me, god placed TWO distractions in my way, almost like obstacles in a maze, to see how i would work to cross the hurdles in my way... what do i do? get caught up in the madness, and dig myself into a hole that i don't even think "the world's strongest man" could crawl out of. the messages continued, the infatuation deepened, and the smiles kept coming... you see, it really isn't too difficult to realize when this girl has a crush... aside from enlarged pupils and an ear to ear grin, my whole demeanor and posture changes... but without disclosing several of the unnecessary details, i will tell you what has happened...

i have begun two completely valiDATNG not DATING pseudo relationships with two individuals. two completely UNHEALTHY and validating relationships... it seems as though both individuals as well as myself seek acceptance and attention from the other... but that is all... and who doesn't like attention... who doesn't like to be validated and noticed? anyone, bueller? didn't think so... but let's take a moment to look at the big picture... what happens when one of us gets into a REAL relationship... the contact we have with one another WILL change... it would be inappropriate to continue on with the amount and content of the conversations at hand. and knowing that our relationship would be inappropriate then, allows me to realize that it is quite possible that the relationship is inappropriate NOW...

so without telling each of them that i have begun to have certain more-than-friendly feelings for them, i ask them what their individual takes are on our friendship... you see, what i realized from this is that just because there is flirting and smiling and all the like, our perceptions of what is going on is quite different. you see, to them, there was nothing wrong with the amount of time we were spending VALIDATING each other... and after confronting the two of them, decided that it was time for me to carry out that lenten promise... back the "f" up from both situations. and the past week, having done so has brought great freedom, however with supreme sacrifice, and redirected attention comes the thrill of the chase, yet again... almost AS SOON as the texting and validating from my end terminates, they text all the harder... and before you know it, i am sucked back into the game of letting them know just how wonderful they already think they are... and i eventually, end up cheating on BOTH of them with a box of velveeta shells and cheese, and let's just face it girls and boys... the mac ALWAYS wins...
right.. and like, sometimes, i get this OWNERSHIP thing about me, and they are not mine... you know, they are not my boyfriends, they are not my other half... they are merely guys i am interested in getting to know better, but don't reciprocate... and that is fine, but i wish they would let me get on with my life, and quit needing validation from me... but i can only change what i can change, and that is to STOP the validation and seek mine from god.. but the knowledge of this is unoriginal at this point... it's from experience of doing the same stuff over and over and feeling like crap because i am in a FAKE ass relationship... alas, like any other obstacle standing in my way of freedom, it takes some pain before surrender, then comes the true happiness... when i see that the world is as it is, and there is no reason for me to force my will upon the masses... because everything is as it should be... and with that comes separation from myself... separation from the problem...

gossip folk

Word to the wise… don’t tell me anything someone says about me, good or bad. It is my experience that gossip is the worst form of communication ever spoken. I will admit, I have had my share of gossiping about someone who was not present to defend themselves, or state their case. And I have felt horrible about it, especially when I am talking about someone that I have considered a friend. It makes me wonder what kind of friend I really am, to harm someone while they aren’t even around. There is something very exciting about knowing something that someone else doesn’t. It happens all the time… “Oh, you mean, you didn’t hear? Oh well, listen to this…” is how I have started out many a conversation. And my motives are completely impure… It isn’t necessarily to talk negatively about the person in question, moreover to let you know that I know more about the situation than you do. It’s like I enjoy letting you know that I have the inside on someone else’s personal life, and you simply don’t.
It’s the same obsession with tabloid and fashion magazines, as if I read this week’s issue of US Weekly, I am closer to knowing Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan better than you could. How many times has it happened, friends and I will get together for coffee or shopping, and I will find myself saying something very matter of factly like, “You hear LiLo is back in treatment, and she has BROKEN UP with SaMANtha Ronson… can you believe that?” Just in case you were wondering, I do not know Lindsay Lohan, nor do I plan on meeting the girl. But, if I do, then please remind me to apologize to her for ever gossiping about her personal life behind her back… Because if she and I were to meet, I can assure you, we would be instant best friends…
You might be asking yourself, why all the recent concern for hurting someone who probably won’t ever find out you ever talked about them… It’s funny how all of a sudden it is a different scenario once you are the person in question. I know people have talked about me before. Mostly, because if someone is gossiping WITH you, then you can probably bet that they are going to gossip ABOUT you at a later date. Also, I know this because we all run in the same crowds. It was brought to my attention on New Year’s Eve by a close friend that I trusted, that someone told him something terribly harmful and cruel about me. After he confided in me that someone had badmouthed me to him, I of course want to know who said it, and what was said… Mistake number one… I should have never taken the bait… But I of course wanted to know what was said. Forgetting that this could cause more harm in the situation if he told me, I begged for him to tell me the information, promising that I wouldn’t go anywhere with it. But when he told me what our “friend” said about me, it took everything I had not to confront them later that night when I saw him. I was crushed. I was hurt. My heart was broken, and it was all a problem of my own making. I didn’t need to know that badly what someone had said about me. And what was the first friend’s motive for telling me that he knew someone had said something bad about me…
That information completely ruined my entire night. Instead of walking around carefree, I spent the afternoon believing what this person said to be true. It’s like, if 60 people tell you something good about yourself and one person tells you something bad, most likely you are going to harp on the one negative thing that someone says. And not only did I harp on it, I believed it to be true. I cried all of my makeup off, and was completely sad. Again, I thought I was willing to suffer through that just to know… I guess I was wrong. I guess I will never know the real reason that my friend told me, however I will let you know what I told him a few days later. After gathering all of my senses, and talking to some people about it, I saw my error in the situation. I pleaded with this friend to tell me… Yes, my mistake. But when I next saw the friend, I told him that I didn’t want to hear anything that other people might say about me, GOOD or BAD. If I hear something good about myself, then it will go to my head, and I will think too much about it. And if it’s bad, then I will believe it to be true, and it will make me feel worse. I simply cannot live my life on secondhand information; it gets me nowhere. I learned a lot from this experience, though. It isn’t the first time someone has talked about me, and it probably won’t be the last. But I know that I need to watch myself when it comes to gossip, compliments and criticism. In the end, it isn’t worth hurting someone, and it isn’t worth feeling hurt, just to know the details. Some things are better left unsaid. Period.

my to-do list...

Ever since I was old enough to start thinking about my future, I have been planning things that I want to accomplish. Over the past twenty years or so, the list has changed… sometimes drastically, and sometimes I revert to the same dreams and desires that I have wanted since I was a child. Marriage has been on my list of “to-dos,” however other goals and ambitions on this have changed very much. But there are a few tasks that I have not accomplished yet that I would like to share with you. Call it a Bucket List, if you will. I went to see the movie “Bride Wars” with some of my girlfriends last night, and other than watching Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway fight to the death over who’s wedding would be better, I was reminded of the fact that I am 26 years old, and no closer to the one constant task that has been on my “to do list” since the first time I dressed my Barbie in a white wedding gown, and stood her next to her handsome “Ken in a tux.”
I have accomplished many things that have appeared on my list before, such as learning to knit, writing a screenplay, and visiting Amish country. I’ve experienced wonderful moments; especially since sobering up… an ambition and goal that I accomplished one day at a time since 2005. I’ve won hands in the game of Poker, and I’ve even learned to read music. I am grateful that I have been able to cross things off of my “to do” list, however there are still some things that I wish to accomplish. So here it is, Danielle’s very own list of “Things To Do Before She Kicks the Bucket” List. Enjoy, and feel free to comment… be sure to tell me what number you are commenting on. These are in no particular order.
1. Go back to College and get a degree in ANYTHING…
2. Obtain a Passport and actually get STAMPS in it… TRAVEL to anywhere, and photograph every minute of the experience.
3. Buy a camera worthy for such travels.
4. Jump from the high dive… I always chickened out and climbed back down the ladder…
5. Plant a garden.
6. Learn a foreign language, other than French, and travel to its country to speak it fluently.
7. Change someone’s life for the better.
8. Win a substantial amount of money, donate 100% of it to a worthy cause, and not tell anyone about it.
9. Publish my screenplay.
10. Have at least two children.
11. Get and stay married.
12. Watch a scary movie all the way through without closing my eyes.
13. Go to a shooting range and fire a gun.
14. Parasail.
15. Shout on the top of my lungs from such great heights…
16. Join a book club.
17. Do the Tom Cruise Dance to “Old Time Rock and Roll” from Risky Business… in white boxers and Black Rayban Wayfarers.
18. Keep my mouth shut when I really need to…
19. Bait my own hook while fishing.
20. Go to a boxing match.
21. Watch a play or ballet from backstage.
22. Love someone (child, husband, or other family member) unconditionally, and feel that love in return.
23. Hold a moon beam in the palm of my hand.
24. Get the tattoo on my wrist fixed… (Seriously, I have HUGE confrontation issues…)
25. Make a CERTAIN amends…
26. Roll around in a pile of money… (Not loose change, but actual MONEY…)
27. Time Travel… (hey, this is my DREAM wish list…) I would go back to that one day in high school and tell him…
28. Taste the rainbow…
29. Stand in the middle of Times Square with my eyes closed.
30. Kiss under the mistletoe… this has yet to be accomplished, surprisingly…

coffee, camels, and conversation

i was hanging with some friends last night over coffee and camels, and an interesting conversation struck up... at first, we were discussing politics, movies, sports... (go cats!!!) then, against my will, the convo headed for an interesting turn... a topic that i would have cut off my right arm to avoid entirely... DATING... i was entertained with personal stories from my pals, (mostly female) about events that occurred during their tumultuous times with exes… "and then, out of NOWHERE, he left me…" or "he cheated on me… WITH MY BEST FRIEND…" then the painful memories of my own experiences flooded my mind… and it consumed me… all of a sudden, i couldn't breathe... the walls closed in on my senses, and i couldn't think of anything but the fact that i had a sense of failure, lurking over my head.

"we just quit communicating," i said, when it was was my turn to share, reminiscing over the most recent relationship that ended in doom and heartache. but was that true? or was it that we were unable to communicate effectively in the first place? and why is verbal intimacy so damn important anyway? i've been known to talk some shit to DEATH... so, why is it so important to me to ask him during "cold pizza," whatchya thinkin' 'bout?" like, duh... he's thinking about sports...

i mulled it over in my mind last night on the ride home, and it occured to me that sometimes, it just doesn't matter... silence can be bliss; the world is noisy... it is not always necessary to talk a situation to death... don't get me wrong, i love to couch surf with my guy, watching sports center, wearing my sweats, white t and yankee ballcap... for during those moments, my mind is still... but when does that pivotal moment occur when the relationship switches from casual courting, hand holding, starry-eyed gazing puppy love to uncomfortable contentment? is it when you have already talked about everything there is to talk about? or is there just no need to communicate because you already know each other so well?

and why does it matter? why can't i just be content with what is in front of me... chinese takeout on the coffee table, pulp fiction in the DVD player... and my guy by my side... who's with me? who has ever felt this way? or guys out there, have you ever felt like your girl is just talking the crap out of a situation, and think she needs to just chill?

i am starting to think that silence is golden... it's the little moments that matter... hangin' out... the experience of listening to a new song for the first time together... trying out a new restaurant, and sharing off of each other's plate... that is the key... moments of happiness... not drawn out conversations that usually end up in one of us having to respect and appreciate the other's point of view... or apologize for something said, that could have been avoided entirely had i not asked THAT specific question...

in closing, i think that i can best sum this up by quoting max ehrmann in saying, "go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence."