coffee, camels, and conversation

i was hanging with some friends last night over coffee and camels, and an interesting conversation struck up... at first, we were discussing politics, movies, sports... (go cats!!!) then, against my will, the convo headed for an interesting turn... a topic that i would have cut off my right arm to avoid entirely... DATING... i was entertained with personal stories from my pals, (mostly female) about events that occurred during their tumultuous times with exes… "and then, out of NOWHERE, he left me…" or "he cheated on me… WITH MY BEST FRIEND…" then the painful memories of my own experiences flooded my mind… and it consumed me… all of a sudden, i couldn't breathe... the walls closed in on my senses, and i couldn't think of anything but the fact that i had a sense of failure, lurking over my head.

"we just quit communicating," i said, when it was was my turn to share, reminiscing over the most recent relationship that ended in doom and heartache. but was that true? or was it that we were unable to communicate effectively in the first place? and why is verbal intimacy so damn important anyway? i've been known to talk some shit to DEATH... so, why is it so important to me to ask him during "cold pizza," whatchya thinkin' 'bout?" like, duh... he's thinking about sports...

i mulled it over in my mind last night on the ride home, and it occured to me that sometimes, it just doesn't matter... silence can be bliss; the world is noisy... it is not always necessary to talk a situation to death... don't get me wrong, i love to couch surf with my guy, watching sports center, wearing my sweats, white t and yankee ballcap... for during those moments, my mind is still... but when does that pivotal moment occur when the relationship switches from casual courting, hand holding, starry-eyed gazing puppy love to uncomfortable contentment? is it when you have already talked about everything there is to talk about? or is there just no need to communicate because you already know each other so well?

and why does it matter? why can't i just be content with what is in front of me... chinese takeout on the coffee table, pulp fiction in the DVD player... and my guy by my side... who's with me? who has ever felt this way? or guys out there, have you ever felt like your girl is just talking the crap out of a situation, and think she needs to just chill?

i am starting to think that silence is golden... it's the little moments that matter... hangin' out... the experience of listening to a new song for the first time together... trying out a new restaurant, and sharing off of each other's plate... that is the key... moments of happiness... not drawn out conversations that usually end up in one of us having to respect and appreciate the other's point of view... or apologize for something said, that could have been avoided entirely had i not asked THAT specific question...

in closing, i think that i can best sum this up by quoting max ehrmann in saying, "go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence."