Ever since I was old enough to start thinking about my future, I have been planning things that I want to accomplish. Over the past twenty years or so, the list has changed… sometimes drastically, and sometimes I revert to the same dreams and desires that I have wanted since I was a child. Marriage has been on my list of “to-dos,” however other goals and ambitions on this have changed very much. But there are a few tasks that I have not accomplished yet that I would like to share with you. Call it a Bucket List, if you will. I went to see the movie “Bride Wars” with some of my girlfriends last night, and other than watching Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway fight to the death over who’s wedding would be better, I was reminded of the fact that I am 26 years old, and no closer to the one constant task that has been on my “to do list” since the first time I dressed my Barbie in a white wedding gown, and stood her next to her handsome “Ken in a tux.”
I have accomplished many things that have appeared on my list before, such as learning to knit, writing a screenplay, and visiting Amish country. I’ve experienced wonderful moments; especially since sobering up… an ambition and goal that I accomplished one day at a time since 2005. I’ve won hands in the game of Poker, and I’ve even learned to read music. I am grateful that I have been able to cross things off of my “to do” list, however there are still some things that I wish to accomplish. So here it is, Danielle’s very own list of “Things To Do Before She Kicks the Bucket” List. Enjoy, and feel free to comment… be sure to tell me what number you are commenting on. These are in no particular order.
1. Go back to College and get a degree in ANYTHING…
2. Obtain a Passport and actually get STAMPS in it… TRAVEL to anywhere, and photograph every minute of the experience.
3. Buy a camera worthy for such travels.
4. Jump from the high dive… I always chickened out and climbed back down the ladder…
5. Plant a garden.
6. Learn a foreign language, other than French, and travel to its country to speak it fluently.
7. Change someone’s life for the better.
8. Win a substantial amount of money, donate 100% of it to a worthy cause, and not tell anyone about it.
9. Publish my screenplay.
10. Have at least two children.
11. Get and stay married.
12. Watch a scary movie all the way through without closing my eyes.
13. Go to a shooting range and fire a gun.
14. Parasail.
15. Shout on the top of my lungs from such great heights…
16. Join a book club.
17. Do the Tom Cruise Dance to “Old Time Rock and Roll” from Risky Business… in white boxers and Black Rayban Wayfarers.
18. Keep my mouth shut when I really need to…
19. Bait my own hook while fishing.
20. Go to a boxing match.
21. Watch a play or ballet from backstage.
22. Love someone (child, husband, or other family member) unconditionally, and feel that love in return.
23. Hold a moon beam in the palm of my hand.
24. Get the tattoo on my wrist fixed… (Seriously, I have HUGE confrontation issues…)
25. Make a CERTAIN amends…
26. Roll around in a pile of money… (Not loose change, but actual MONEY…)
27. Time Travel… (hey, this is my DREAM wish list…) I would go back to that one day in high school and tell him…
28. Taste the rainbow…
29. Stand in the middle of Times Square with my eyes closed.
30. Kiss under the mistletoe… this has yet to be accomplished, surprisingly…
Monday, January 19, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
coffee, camels, and conversation
i was hanging with some friends last night over coffee and camels, and an interesting conversation struck up... at first, we were discussing politics, movies, sports... (go cats!!!) then, against my will, the convo headed for an interesting turn... a topic that i would have cut off my right arm to avoid entirely... DATING... i was entertained with personal stories from my pals, (mostly female) about events that occurred during their tumultuous times with exes… "and then, out of NOWHERE, he left me…" or "he cheated on me… WITH MY BEST FRIEND…" then the painful memories of my own experiences flooded my mind… and it consumed me… all of a sudden, i couldn't breathe... the walls closed in on my senses, and i couldn't think of anything but the fact that i had a sense of failure, lurking over my head.
"we just quit communicating," i said, when it was was my turn to share, reminiscing over the most recent relationship that ended in doom and heartache. but was that true? or was it that we were unable to communicate effectively in the first place? and why is verbal intimacy so damn important anyway? i've been known to talk some shit to DEATH... so, why is it so important to me to ask him during "cold pizza," whatchya thinkin' 'bout?" like, duh... he's thinking about sports...
i mulled it over in my mind last night on the ride home, and it occured to me that sometimes, it just doesn't matter... silence can be bliss; the world is noisy... it is not always necessary to talk a situation to death... don't get me wrong, i love to couch surf with my guy, watching sports center, wearing my sweats, white t and yankee ballcap... for during those moments, my mind is still... but when does that pivotal moment occur when the relationship switches from casual courting, hand holding, starry-eyed gazing puppy love to uncomfortable contentment? is it when you have already talked about everything there is to talk about? or is there just no need to communicate because you already know each other so well?
and why does it matter? why can't i just be content with what is in front of me... chinese takeout on the coffee table, pulp fiction in the DVD player... and my guy by my side... who's with me? who has ever felt this way? or guys out there, have you ever felt like your girl is just talking the crap out of a situation, and think she needs to just chill?
i am starting to think that silence is golden... it's the little moments that matter... hangin' out... the experience of listening to a new song for the first time together... trying out a new restaurant, and sharing off of each other's plate... that is the key... moments of happiness... not drawn out conversations that usually end up in one of us having to respect and appreciate the other's point of view... or apologize for something said, that could have been avoided entirely had i not asked THAT specific question...
in closing, i think that i can best sum this up by quoting max ehrmann in saying, "go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence."
"we just quit communicating," i said, when it was was my turn to share, reminiscing over the most recent relationship that ended in doom and heartache. but was that true? or was it that we were unable to communicate effectively in the first place? and why is verbal intimacy so damn important anyway? i've been known to talk some shit to DEATH... so, why is it so important to me to ask him during "cold pizza," whatchya thinkin' 'bout?" like, duh... he's thinking about sports...
i mulled it over in my mind last night on the ride home, and it occured to me that sometimes, it just doesn't matter... silence can be bliss; the world is noisy... it is not always necessary to talk a situation to death... don't get me wrong, i love to couch surf with my guy, watching sports center, wearing my sweats, white t and yankee ballcap... for during those moments, my mind is still... but when does that pivotal moment occur when the relationship switches from casual courting, hand holding, starry-eyed gazing puppy love to uncomfortable contentment? is it when you have already talked about everything there is to talk about? or is there just no need to communicate because you already know each other so well?
and why does it matter? why can't i just be content with what is in front of me... chinese takeout on the coffee table, pulp fiction in the DVD player... and my guy by my side... who's with me? who has ever felt this way? or guys out there, have you ever felt like your girl is just talking the crap out of a situation, and think she needs to just chill?
i am starting to think that silence is golden... it's the little moments that matter... hangin' out... the experience of listening to a new song for the first time together... trying out a new restaurant, and sharing off of each other's plate... that is the key... moments of happiness... not drawn out conversations that usually end up in one of us having to respect and appreciate the other's point of view... or apologize for something said, that could have been avoided entirely had i not asked THAT specific question...
in closing, i think that i can best sum this up by quoting max ehrmann in saying, "go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence."
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
New Year's Eve and Bruised Egos
So, it occurred to me after pondering my latest crush, that if you never get to be someone’s girlfriend, then you can never get to be their ex-girlfriend. And that brings me comfort, knowing that if the relationship was never meant to be, then I have a better chance of never tiring myself trying to make the relationship last. Having said that, there are a few things that I need to vent before I rest my head on the pillow tonight. Knowing that I have no business even being in a relationship, let me just say that knowing is not the issue. I am completely obsessed with being in a relationship… always have been, and unless something changes in me, I probably always will be. But what comes after the guy reciprocates the feelings that I have expressed to him? Do we like, date or court, or frolic and play the Eskimo way? Does he start thinking of how my first name would sound paired with his last? Not likely… Or, better yet, what happens when he finds out about my so called crush and he doesn’t possess the same feeling? After living a decade without voicing my interest in men, or boys I should say, I decided to do something bold and brave, but not at all brilliant on New Year’s Eve. I texted my cliché wish for midnight… to kiss him while listening to millions of people count down from ten on Dick Clark’s New Year’s Eve televised party. Of course there was no response to my confession and he left the party with my bruised ego riding shotgun in his Subaru.
After a day and a half of wondering if I completely ruined our friendship, I decided to pick the scab, pour salt on the wound if you will, and texted him an apology for my sober, yet very impulsive confession. What is it about complete desperation, pure animal instinct that leads me to put myself out there without even a hint of reciprocated interest? If all this time I have liked him, and he ends up voicing his knowledge of this, then why the look? Why the conversation with witty banter, and flirtatious undertone? Is it because he is safe in that bubble of time? When thinking that I like him, but knowing that I don’t know he knows gives him a cushion to flirt, without having to admit that he doesn’t have the same feelings… In the words of the great Chris Isaacs, “it’s strange what desire will make foolish people do…”
Admitting to the great obsession is something that I rarely do, only to protect myself from the big bad wolf that is rejection. Believe me; I would rather push bamboo up my fingernails than be rejected after biting the bullet, and putting myself out there… It’s all in the game of the chase though. For example, admitting that I have had it for him for a while, and that I would like to partake in an old, American tradition and pastime… kissing when the ball drops on the new year… admitting to that bears my desires to someone, and allows them to do with it as they wish. And in the same regard, when someone else professed interest in me and I didn’t return the same feelings, they chased even harder.
But what is it about being in love? Or loving being in love? For me, it’s like the best feeling in the world. The rejection part is of course, the worst. But being in love, like head over heals-I’ll compromise the movie of my choice-will you be there tonight?-I burned you a great cd-love is the best feeling in the world… If I could bottle it and perhaps administer it through my veins with a constant drip then I would. It’s like no other drug I have ever received a high from. It is the best damn feeling in the world, and riding that high has a harsh come-down… When it comes to love, lust, infatuation, flirting, obsession, or whatever you want to call it, the crash from that high is the worst feeling I have ever experienced, and so a constant morphine-like drip would be necessary… please and thank you…
And here I am, new year, but same old single me… What is it about being alone that makes the new year so dreadful. Someone told that what you are doing at midnight is what you will be doing all year long… If that is the case, then I will be letting my heart ride home in someone else’s car… and it’s getting old… I only hope that whoever is driving fastens it in a seatbelt, because if this year is anything like the last, we are in for a bumpy ride…
After a day and a half of wondering if I completely ruined our friendship, I decided to pick the scab, pour salt on the wound if you will, and texted him an apology for my sober, yet very impulsive confession. What is it about complete desperation, pure animal instinct that leads me to put myself out there without even a hint of reciprocated interest? If all this time I have liked him, and he ends up voicing his knowledge of this, then why the look? Why the conversation with witty banter, and flirtatious undertone? Is it because he is safe in that bubble of time? When thinking that I like him, but knowing that I don’t know he knows gives him a cushion to flirt, without having to admit that he doesn’t have the same feelings… In the words of the great Chris Isaacs, “it’s strange what desire will make foolish people do…”
Admitting to the great obsession is something that I rarely do, only to protect myself from the big bad wolf that is rejection. Believe me; I would rather push bamboo up my fingernails than be rejected after biting the bullet, and putting myself out there… It’s all in the game of the chase though. For example, admitting that I have had it for him for a while, and that I would like to partake in an old, American tradition and pastime… kissing when the ball drops on the new year… admitting to that bears my desires to someone, and allows them to do with it as they wish. And in the same regard, when someone else professed interest in me and I didn’t return the same feelings, they chased even harder.
But what is it about being in love? Or loving being in love? For me, it’s like the best feeling in the world. The rejection part is of course, the worst. But being in love, like head over heals-I’ll compromise the movie of my choice-will you be there tonight?-I burned you a great cd-love is the best feeling in the world… If I could bottle it and perhaps administer it through my veins with a constant drip then I would. It’s like no other drug I have ever received a high from. It is the best damn feeling in the world, and riding that high has a harsh come-down… When it comes to love, lust, infatuation, flirting, obsession, or whatever you want to call it, the crash from that high is the worst feeling I have ever experienced, and so a constant morphine-like drip would be necessary… please and thank you…
And here I am, new year, but same old single me… What is it about being alone that makes the new year so dreadful. Someone told that what you are doing at midnight is what you will be doing all year long… If that is the case, then I will be letting my heart ride home in someone else’s car… and it’s getting old… I only hope that whoever is driving fastens it in a seatbelt, because if this year is anything like the last, we are in for a bumpy ride…
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