well, let's see... aside from neglecting my obligations to the ONE follower of this blog, i can't really say that my life has been jam-packed with exciting and note-worthy events. however, i guess i can say that i could possibly rant and rave over the latest crush... what can i say, i am a glutton for punishment... i should first start off by telling you that i am catholic, and because i am constantly trying to find ways to serve god, i decided to follow through with lenten tradition, and sacrifice something, all in the name of the father, the son and the holy ghost... when i was a child, i used to "give up" things like chocolate, or soft drinks. or i would decide to "take on" something, such as volunteer work, or going to one extra mass a week. but alas, this year i decided to give up the one glitch in my make-up... the one vice that tends to block me from my creator the most... THE Y CHROMOSOME... yes, ladies and gentlemen... i had decided to give up contact with a certain individual for forty days and forty nights...
let me first tell you that this person is NOT the same interest from new years... hello, people... we are a quarter into this year... of COURSE it's a new face and a new name... i should also mention that the last situation, from new year's, ended VERY BADLY... i have since made amends for my rash behavior and unrealistic expectations, and needless to say i have developed the same attitude towards another individual... HENSE the decision to leave him alone, at least for lent...
i went to mass on ash wednesday, unsure what i was going to take on or give up, however had a very uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach as i kneeled before the alter, and looked upon an image of jesus. (i will NOT apologize if this offends anyone... i am proud of my catholic upbringing...) i wasn't sure of why i felt so restless and discontent, but knew that my relationship with a certain guy friend was about to change. the signs were all there... late night phone calls that would last forever, random text messages, the looks, then the stares... it was all becoming a little too familiar. and because i had just "laid the new year's situation to rest," i knew that this situation had the potential to get ugly. you see, my pattern is mere interest, turned infatuation, to blind lust where the person begins to have NO VISIBLE SIGNS OF IMPERFECTION... so because i knew the course this could take, i prayed to god for the strength to remove myself from a toxic relationship, and direct my attention to what he would want me to do. all good and well... FOR AN HOUR...
what seems to happen when i ask god to remove situations from me that are questionable, or damaging, is he gives me an even more difficult task... it's like he's saying, "remove yourself..." and then continues to place situations for growth in front of me... you see, what i've realized time and time again, is that god isn't going to remove anything from me without my cooperation. i can't expect him to make any situation better if i am not willing to take the necessary action. and what is lent? an opportunity to work diligently on a character defect, or personality trait for a considerable amount of time...
you are probably guessing what happened... instead of removing the situation from me, god placed TWO distractions in my way, almost like obstacles in a maze, to see how i would work to cross the hurdles in my way... what do i do? get caught up in the madness, and dig myself into a hole that i don't even think "the world's strongest man" could crawl out of. the messages continued, the infatuation deepened, and the smiles kept coming... you see, it really isn't too difficult to realize when this girl has a crush... aside from enlarged pupils and an ear to ear grin, my whole demeanor and posture changes... but without disclosing several of the unnecessary details, i will tell you what has happened...
i have begun two completely valiDATNG not DATING pseudo relationships with two individuals. two completely UNHEALTHY and validating relationships... it seems as though both individuals as well as myself seek acceptance and attention from the other... but that is all... and who doesn't like attention... who doesn't like to be validated and noticed? anyone, bueller? didn't think so... but let's take a moment to look at the big picture... what happens when one of us gets into a REAL relationship... the contact we have with one another WILL change... it would be inappropriate to continue on with the amount and content of the conversations at hand. and knowing that our relationship would be inappropriate then, allows me to realize that it is quite possible that the relationship is inappropriate NOW...
so without telling each of them that i have begun to have certain more-than-friendly feelings for them, i ask them what their individual takes are on our friendship... you see, what i realized from this is that just because there is flirting and smiling and all the like, our perceptions of what is going on is quite different. you see, to them, there was nothing wrong with the amount of time we were spending VALIDATING each other... and after confronting the two of them, decided that it was time for me to carry out that lenten promise... back the "f" up from both situations. and the past week, having done so has brought great freedom, however with supreme sacrifice, and redirected attention comes the thrill of the chase, yet again... almost AS SOON as the texting and validating from my end terminates, they text all the harder... and before you know it, i am sucked back into the game of letting them know just how wonderful they already think they are... and i eventually, end up cheating on BOTH of them with a box of velveeta shells and cheese, and let's just face it girls and boys... the mac ALWAYS wins...
right.. and like, sometimes, i get this OWNERSHIP thing about me, and they are not mine... you know, they are not my boyfriends, they are not my other half... they are merely guys i am interested in getting to know better, but don't reciprocate... and that is fine, but i wish they would let me get on with my life, and quit needing validation from me... but i can only change what i can change, and that is to STOP the validation and seek mine from god.. but the knowledge of this is unoriginal at this point... it's from experience of doing the same stuff over and over and feeling like crap because i am in a FAKE ass relationship... alas, like any other obstacle standing in my way of freedom, it takes some pain before surrender, then comes the true happiness... when i see that the world is as it is, and there is no reason for me to force my will upon the masses... because everything is as it should be... and with that comes separation from myself... separation from the problem...
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This was a great post. I really dig the separation pain but the elation that it must be done. The real validation is when you look back and realize you made a good decision cutting the contact. Plus dealing with more than your fair share of the opposite sex is just unproductive. I use to like validation from many women, but i realize it doesn't make any money, and I quit. Like Kanye says "you either getting laid or getting paid, when you are getting one, the other is getting away." And in the definition of "getting laid" he is meaning thinking about, contacting, spending time with an opposite sex situation going no where, just for fluttery feelings of importance. I rather get my ambition up, my education up, and my pay up! Ya heard!
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