goodbye...

men. not that i know anything about them, what they are thinking, or anything like that. but i try, nonetheless. i will admit it, and am not afraid to. i love men! i do. i love the way they look, the way they act! and at the end of the day, would still rather smell their cologne than whatever sweet scent i may be wearing. i love when they make me laugh, and i even love when they make me cry. i am in no way a victim... i give freely with my heart, and it's openness has allowed me to fall hard. there is an intense sadness that comes over me when it's time to say goodbye, and that love is receding on the horizon. goodbyes have always been hard for me, and when it comes down to it, i just need to learn how to say, "see ya later..."

i believe i suffer from separation anxiety. a friend came to visit me this weekend from back home, and the time spent together was indeed wonderful. this friendship has certainly been put through the wringer, with plenty help of my own. this friendship, once innocent and so intense, also involved a period of separation. and it was one of the longest periods of sadness in my life. this feud was the sole reason for my quest for change, and my journey to indianapolis. after having some time apart and returning back home, i was allowed to make the proper amends for my part in the argument, and set out to make sure i was again the best friend i could be to him. but there is one small secret, that i am afraid i will never tell him... i think i am in love with him.

i have never met anyone quite like this kid, and i will tell you that there is an overwhelming drive to forever come to his defense, and go to bat for him. i feel pain when he suffers, i feel joy when he smiles, and i am comfortable in his presence. when he picked me up yesterday morning, it was like old times, team time... it was on! and the laughter was so good, and the times were so happy. it was the way it had always been. there were no awkward moments, reminding us of what had happened between us, there was great music to add to the soundtrack of our friendship, and after time spent together, i knew what was coming; his road trip back home without me.

while i made my decision, and i packed my bags to move here, something inside of me wanted to jump in his car and extend our visit together. within minutes, he was gathering his belongings, putting on his khaki ll bean back pack, and coming towards me to say goodbye. i made a commitment to myself that i would NOT let him see me cry this time. every time we part, i cry. and he has to reassure me we will see each other again soon. i didn't want to let go. i wanted to hold him close to me forever. i wanted to be the first to pull away, but something held us together longer than i thought we would. i told him to keep his head up, and to drive safely. as he turned to leave, i had to turn my head away because the water works were turning on! as the door shut, my heart dropped. breathing became difficult, and there was that feeling again. the feeling when part of your heart stops working. the part of your heart that isn't gone, but still inside of you, close to death; losing its beat and fighting for breath. that is me when i leave him. that is what happens when i say goodbye. tears fall for a while, and i pray that he makes it home safely. now here i am, without his scent, without his laugh, and i am saddened. i know we will see each other again soon, and i know my life is better away. but i will forever love him.

did i mention this love is unrequited?